i need to vent!

im jus so freaking irritated right now its not even funny. why the fuck am i fully givin myself to someone who ive hardly even known? ive put his well being and life far in front of mine.... and now im sick of it... i have never done no shyt like this EVER for another man... not even billie... n he was my heart... me n billie had something so much more than me n *current* would ever have or even get close to having... everyone knows how i am and this is NOT me... I dont give anyone all of me like this!? ive put MYSELF in some stressful fuckin situations FOR wat!?! set aside my pride and basically, ME, to help my fuckin boyfriend of less than 4 months? 

he dont show me half the shyt he needs to... and maybe sometimes the things that come out my mouth might sound fucked up n thats why he dont wanna open up to me or say certain things to me but i do it cuz he doesnt show he cares... n NO asshole, its not like i NEED you to say you love me, or WANT to get married with you or are even thinkin about you in the rest of my life! but of course if im devoting so much of my life to someone, i better be damn sure that its worth it! that hes gonna at least stick around... NOT FOREVER... but not be a waste of MY time! and thats wat he dont fuckin get! i dont need him to say nothing like that... i jus need him to show he cares more! HOW!?! i dunno... think of something!?! he says that aint the type of man he is!?! then nigga I DONT NEEDA BE WITH YOU! u make it seem like the kinda of man im askin for is hard to fulfill... that i ASK for much! honest to God, if i list the things i want from a man, and u see how little it is, and others see that you cant even live up to my pitiful standards then that would be a damn shame!

I go on the defensive when I feel as tho imma get hurt... n thas exactly wat i do when i start sayin shyt like that! maybe if u jus showed an OUNCE of compassion, sincerity, affection, ANYTHING! i wouldnt say the shyt that i do... and u kno wat!?! im sick of bein the person i have been towards him... from now on, he gets the old nhu... the nhu that every guy has grown to love n hate... the bitch that doesnt give two shyts about you, could care less if the relationship ends, wont be stickin HER own neck out there to even help you! I didnt even help BILLIE like this! the ONE person i can honestly say has been my SOLE support and companion for years.... its not even about him helpin me financially, its the fact that he knows how i am, he knows so much about me, my family, my background, everything that he can say or do something to make the situation all better...

Ive only met ONE other person besides billie that has that ability to make me all better inside... that knows jus what to say when im sad, or mad, or anything.... when im cryin n alone... can jus be there to ask if im ok? knows jus what to say... and that person aint the mother fucker im with now... all I need is for *current* to understand all this, but he dont... n no, it aint about the financial shyt... its bigger than that! but he jus dont get it!